Others may have an exaggerated perception and awareness of a healthy expression of freedom as a reaction to their own energy blocks or strong personality factors favoring equality.

A responsible expression of freedom shows one's abilities to be considerate of others, compassionate, sharing and assertive. The level of one's expression of freedom, when healthful, is variable with an integration to relevancy in the current reality.

Too much expressed EQUALITY can result in others feeling that you are

• valueless and lack discrimination;
• inflexible to a point of predictability and boredom;
• attaching to things and people with possessiveness and weakness;
• appearing manipulative and deceptive by ---
• seem to be afraid to take a position on issues which may conflict with others;
• appearing to be passive much of the time, and,
• overeager to join the aggressiveness of others when
  • you want acceptance and belonging from such a group;
• appearing to be sympathetic and sharing in a manner that is dishonest ... because it makes you angry or vindictive or depressed when your efforts are not acknowledged and repaid.

  A more healthful responsible expression of EQUALITY includes empathy, sharing, and assertiveness. A healthful expression of equality is flexible in application as relevant to the current realities.

  Again, others may interpret a healthy expression of equality in an extreme manner due to the influence of their own energy blocks or strong factor of freedom in their Basic Personality.

In "The Logic of Love", Norman Alcock examined the issues surrounding satisfying and constructive human relationships, whether they be in intimate or political environments. He found from his extensive research that only relationships which balanced a strong expression of BOTH equality and freedom proved consistently to be constructive, empowering, and highly satisfying. An honest and sincere expression of Love demanded a balanced expression of Equality and Freedom. Hatefulness was encouraged when Equality was replaced by Inequality (Selfishness) and/or when Freedom was replaced by Coercion (Authoritarianism).

Healthful persons seek to include and maintain a flexibility and inclusion of both Equality and Freedom in their relationships. Dependency develops when persons participate in interactions demanding that one leads and the other follows, or, when one is expected to deny oneself for the perpetual benefit of others.

Love is sharing the extra joy and pleasure that one has beyond their needs. One participates out of a desire to share that which one has enough and more of rather than what one has a need for. There is an APPRECIATION for much that another and others have without an ATTACHMENT tied to NEED or FEAR.

Co-dependency is giving what one does not have enough of in expectation that as much or more will be returned to one, usually more.

QUESTIONS to ask yourself:

1. Do I allow others the freedom to disagree with me?

2. Can we sometimes agree to disagree, as equals?

3. Do they allow me the freedom to disagree with them?

4. Do I, or they, always demand consensus, as authoritarian?

5. Do I judge others according to the standards I have for myself, as authoritarian?

6. Do we allow each other to express a full range of emotions so that we enable each other to be open and honest, as free and equal individuals?

7. Do I exclude, chastise or victimize them for their differences, as authoritarian?

8. Do I ask for feedback to ensure my accurate understanding of their freedom of expression?

9. Do I express comment only when asked for same, as is their freedom to express their identity as an equal with the freedom to request feedback from an equal if they have such concerns or interest?

10. Do I acknowledge the differences of others by truly listening to them, as equals?

11. Do I or they demand a satisfaction of assumptions and expectations that we hold of each other: a coercion of sameness?

12. Does commitment mean to me that I and others in such a partnership must always maintain an inflexibility of emotional response, expressed behavior and apparent attitude: a coercion of equality?

13. Do we accept each other based on our lack of ability to grow and our predictability in avoidance of conflict and anger: a freedom to resist change?

The Honesty and Self-Awareness with which you answer the above questions will indicate the degree to which you are ready for, involved in, or supportive of either a co-dependent style of interaction and communication, or, of a healthful assertive sharing of experiences.

Co-dependency thrives on a lack of security.
If the person had inner security, they would not seek to fill a void through the skills or expressions of others. If the physical needs of the person were met, they would not seek to have others fulfil them. If the social and political needs of the individual were met, they would not attract and support social interactions from a perspective of necessity, duty, loyalty, obligation, commitment. Each of these words may hold a different connotation for the co-dependent. It is only a question as to how much of this automatic structuring of one's life is due to cultural and family imprinting (monkey see, monkey do) and how much is due to inherited and self-constructed energy blocks (worked once, must always work, OR, didn't work, will never work).

For the healthy assertive communicator, there is a strong sense of inner security which is capable of carrying over into the physical demands of life. Physical necessities can be minimized by the self-aware and self-sufficient individual far below those of the usual expectations and assumptions of need of the co-dependent. A perspective may even be taken that only a minimum of desires which one cannot currently fulfil oneself qualify as potential gifts.

All else can be appreciated.
If it is not needed, it is not a welcome gift.
Only gifts of relevancy are true gifts to the healthy person.
For a gift to be relevant, the giver must be able to empathize with and acknowledge the recipient in their choices. This is only possible with assertiveness, acceptance, feedback --- NONE of which the co-dependent person truly has.

APPRECIATION is an insult, for the co-dependent person.
Like the two-year-old seeking to be the center of attention as an expression of acceptance, so also, the infantile co-dependent adult wishes applause --- even if it will likely be rejected and refused with fake humility and modesty.

QUESTIONS to ask yourself:

1. Do you give gifts for reason of what you think the other person needs (your standards and values), or, on the basis of what your recipient has expressed as a desire to have (their standards and values)?

2. Do you humbly receive gifts from others, whether relevant or not, and assertively provide feedback, by tactfully appreciating the benefits and downplaying the negatives attached to them? Do you acknowledge? Do you accept?

3. Do you do things or provide for others who have not asked for your help? Do you impose your "giving" on them, offer it to them, or share it with them? Does your act of giving make you feel good as an extension of how you expect you would feel if you were in the position you think they are in?

4. Do you identify the difference to others between what you are providing as a gift (with no expected reciprocation) and what you are providing as an expected obligation or duty based upon your own or their values and standards?

   The difference lies only in intent, not in action. Such an action made without bridged understanding through assertion and feedback is made with a likelihood of misunderstanding, and, an encouragement to construct or maintain co-dependency.

   
   

5. Do you choose to be with others because of their "generosity" or because of their "identity"?

   If they "gifted" you with nothing, would you remain friends? Do you feel a necessity to do for them because they have done for you? Do you feel, or do their comments and actions imply that you should do more for them, or that you have done "enough"?

Herein lies the TRAP for healthy persons in a world of co-dependency. The healthy person is very flexible, open, honest, self-sufficient, humble, and straightforward. These are all strengths for their health and their spiritual success. These are all weaknesses in interacting with others whose expression of identity displays all of the opposites: rigidness, secretive, deceptive, manipulative, dependent, proud, expectant ... co-dependent.

How can the healthy person not know of this difference and allow for it?

First, the healthy person chooses to live with healthy positive attitudes and with healthy positive behaviors. They can do this because they have minimized or eliminated their energy blocks, and, have developed coping skills which bring positive stress into their lives. They are aware of the negatives and cope with them when they appear --- converting them into positives. They are aware but not traumatically fixated on the negatives. They work with reality. What are their obvious health enhancement choices?

• Avoid groups of self-defining co-dependent persons.
  These might include smokers, drinkers, drug users, criminals, over-eaters, racists, authoritarians, abusers. An edict of co-dependency is that if you choose to play, you play by the standards and values of the players. Healthy persons don't "play" at life. They live it.

• Choose quality rather than quantity.
  Be self-directed in limiting one's interactions to a small number of persons that can and do appreciate the facets of a healthy interaction: honesty, assertiveness, openness, humility, self-sufficiency, flexibility. This choice is fully expressed in one's lifestyle. One does the best one can do with the resources one has. One chooses a few higher quality things (practicality, comfort, desire) rather than pursuing an obsession with how many things can be acquired according to one's budget or credit.

• A choice of Higher-Self Guidance, frequently requested and followed as one's Spiritual Mentor in determining what one's alternatives are and what the most constructive choices are for the most spiritually enhancing direction of one's life. This is a choice to be the best that one can be and contribute the most that one can with the resources which are available to one.

  These resources include both the capabilities of one's Basic Personality, plus, one's physical and social realities of and identity, plus, the opportunities for others to assist or offer conflict to the completion of one's spiritual Mission. Healthy persons choose to be and allow themselves to be winners.

Secondly, a Basic Personality which includes a factor of optimism will be more likely, when healthy, to express this "weakness" by always accepting others on the basis of the best that they could be, until, the other person reveals --- through behavior and attitude, that they are not, and the degree to which they are not. In such a dynamic, awareness is retarded and damage must be done before the optimistic healthy person "clues in" to the destructive co-dependent fixation of the other person. At that point, interaction options are highly defined and will tend to direct the future of the interaction according to the choices taken immediately.

• Attempts to reconcile with the other person by encouraging a reality check may be taken. For the "relationship" to continue in a constructive manner, each participant must be totally open, honest, direct, assertive, and accepting of the other. There is no allowance here for one way streets. One way encounters end up in oblivion. Either both must want to remain friends and recognize the value of trust that must form the basis of a healthy interaction, or, distrust will produce negativity.

• Removal of oneself may be the most constructive option, particularly if the other person is incapable of, or chooses not to express the basic elements of a healthy interaction: assertiveness, acknowledgement, openness, honesty, humility, directness. Reasons for such a behavior direction may be the obsessiveness of attitudes and behaviors connected to one or more energy blocks, many years of cultural and family imprinting, or, personal choice based on one's Basic Personality. All of these may play a part. The latter is seldom an important factor.

  We are most often what we have been humanly influenced to become. When we are ready for something better, we will be open to change and growth --- like other lifeforms on the Earth. When the suffering is great enough, we may become motivated to seek improvement. Staying with a co-dependent person with the expectation that they will change because of your presence, support, or encouragement --- is abusive. Change will only sincerely come and be successful when the person chooses it, not by subtle coercion.
  
  

• Tentative continuance of a relationship of continuing and frequent interaction is the most difficult path to choose and maintain in a constructive manner. It is only worthy of consideration when the co-dependent person can acknowledge to the healthy person that they wish to change and want the assistance of the healthy person to that end.

The viability of this is uncertain as it will daily depend upon the motivation of the co-dependent person to allow themselves the opportunity to express the healthy interaction factors noted above, plus, the required humility of positive shame in acknowledging the errors which the old patterns are predisposing them to.

If pride interferes from the person's conscious identity factors, self-responsibility evaporates. With no sense of responsibility there is no positive shame. A lack of positive shame diminishes one's motivation to change and improve one's skills and awareness. Why would I change what I cannot admit is wrong? If I choose to make no changes, I choose to remain co-dependent.

The options are ALL beyond the control and choice of the healthy person. The commitment of the healthy person can only remain for as long as there is permission from the co-dependent person. That permission can change at any time, without warning, and without immediate definition. The healthy person may find themselves being insidiously and deceptively being forced out or forced to comply with co-dependent attitudes and behaviors. Compliance introduces addiction.

Sympathy, or, Empathy?

In sympathy, we often project how we would expect to feel if we were placed in the same position we believe the other person to be in. A co-dependent person often mimics what they believe another person wants them to express in order to be accepted, or favored. These responses are formalized and routine and distant. They only have the appearance of honesty.

In the longer-term, with repeated exposure you may eventually see past the facade. But that will only happen if your Ego or SuperEgo desires have not been built into needs, and cemented in place with energy blocks --- thus blinding your awareness to reality. At that point, you will "know" that something is not quite right but not be able to understand it and correct it.

Half-awareness and half-blindness produces distorted perceptions.
Aware of disharmony but unaware of the meaning, and the alternatives, one often adopts feelings of guilt, weakness, depression --- on the assumption that YOU are somehow responsible for a lack of passion, honesty, sharing, love in your relationship.

Sympathy can build blocks.
If you did not have blocks to begin with, having someone over-sympathize with you as an adult is little different than treating you as if you are emotionally a child. It is like saying: "That is too bad. I accept you as you are with your faults. Just stay that way and you can always come to me when others won't accept your lack of self-responsibility, self-direction, humility, personal growth." In other words, "Stay weak and poor so that you have to come to me for protection (fake acceptance and fake love) as a savior from reality."

The reward will be reciprocal treatment.
When the weaknesses and fragility of the sympathizer bloom and that person seeks comfort in their infantile self-centeredness, and often block-induced need for acceptance and fear of abandonment, you will be expected to fawn over them and try to soothe their injured Ego (personal desires and expectations) or injured conscience (SuperEgo).

You can then tell them not to worry about the lies they have told or the abuse they have carried out, or, about the roast that was burned, or the job lost for justifiable cause, or the present forgotten, or the appointment missed, the call not returned, the friend harshly ridiculed, or, any number of personal errors. Each error could be used with positive shame and humility for encouragement to learn from with a little self-discipline and increasing self-awareness.

All of these constructive, maturing, personality strengthening options are discontinued with words which accept, and, demotivate. And, if you don't respond, expect to be found guilty of not returning the favor granted to you earlier. If not dealt with assertively here, you are ensnared with the toxic shame of guilt for Not supporting what is actually destructive attitude behavior. Past this point, you are in the quicksand of eternal shame and guilt, the psychological confusion of which will often, eventually, produce an energy-blocked routine of co-dependent responses in you: imprisoned by one's own inability to assert one's strength of independence.

Empathy requires a wide breadth of experience, either real personal experience, or, role-played experience. Empathy is more successful, more time consuming, more stressful, more challenging, more costly. Unless you have honestly been in a very similar emotional experience, had to make decisions about similar kinds of choices with similar resources at hand, or, suffer through to a successful outcome what your friend is now engaged in, you cannot empathize.

In other words, to have been allowed to experience reality full force and develop constructive coping skills with the benefit of one or more mentors, you have had to be in a non-dependency environment. Persons in co-dependent relationships never allow themselves, or their companions, to develop empathy. They are always protecting themselves and others from the pains, and joys, or involvement in the risks and opportunities of honest interactions.

Speed kills ... awareness, heartfulness, empathy.
Co-dependent persons are quick to step in for you so that you are not "bothered" or "harmed", or, to step in for themselves --- and take quick actions of idealistic merit, so, the issues of discomfort can be set aside, untouched by one's heart.

Co-dependent persons are often good at intellectualising why they are not living a more fulfilling life, or, why the materialistic lifestyle they are living is good enough. More often, there will be intellectual rationalizations excusing their faults, errors, and mistakes, or, finding unjust and irrelevant reasons as to why other people are responsible for the outcomes of actions and behaviors they have chosen to take. These are personal actions, not team actions. There is no imagination which can put one's heart in touch with an experience not lived. Anyone's rational abilities can fantasize about all kinds of possibilities but most will lack relevancy.

Empathy is listening with your heart, your emotional center.
Unless you are well aware of and can clearly express your emotions, and, have experiences which can parallel those of another person, and, be open enough to listen beyond the words --- empathy will prove difficult. The co-dependent person has often had their heart encased in energy blocks leaving their mental abilities to dominate their thinking. Structure, routine, expectations, assumptions, projection --- all serve in such an environment to foster distrust, deception, and manipulation --- as calculated means to a harmony of getting what one wants, and expects. No surprises, no grief, no sorrow, no shock, no growth.

A healthy person uses challenges and setbacks to learn from.
A co-dependent person seeks to eliminate pain which nurtures growth.
Co-dependency encourages infantile over-sensitivity leading to --- energy blocks which produce rigidity of behavior, which, in turn,

-- demand such rigidity be expressed in others who choose to interact, which, in turn,

-- produce traumatic experiences of infantile expressions of anger, rejection, vengeance

-- which extend to promote the development of energy blocks
-- thereby addicting the passively co-operative person
-- to become co-dependent.

Hooked, and cemented by energy blocks into place, the newly co-dependent person can only escape by releasing their energy blocks, by willfully avoiding all relationships, or, by pursuing an independent and often challenging direction of expanding self-awareness through skill-building and experience tempering involvement.

If you are healthy to begin with, why not use your assertiveness and avoid being swept into co-dependency. Of course, one also has to be self-sufficient enough not to find oneself suckered into the position of the needy needing the needed. At base, co-dependent people are inherently lonely people with the failure response of trying to attract attention yet unable to fully accept that attention once it is given.

Strong people want to assist those weaker than themselves but this strength can become weakness if one's Basic Personality is too open, honest, and compassionate for the reality of the world around it. We do not live in a world which we have created with a spiritual perspective as a focus. The history of the human species speaks loudly of its increasing acceptance of the anti-spiritual perspectives of materialism and human-based authority. Naivety may arise from a youthful lack of experience, or from untempered traits of optimism, self-projection, acceptance.

An inability to discriminate is a lack of awareness of the limitations of oneself and others. Whether you call that pride or ignorance, the error is a surrender to those who are Oral Characters, Charismatic, and those in general who have energy blocks. Truly strong individuals are humble enough to respect the limitations of others and themselves.

QUESTIONS to ask yourself:

1. When others ask me for feedback, am I honest and tactful?
2. When others provide me with criticism, do I gratefully receive it?
3. Which do I do more of: Compliment, or, criticise?
4. Does my choice of friends encourage positive emotions and behaviors?
5. Do I ask others for their opinions, acknowledgement, criticism?

Need, or, Desire?

Do you know the difference between desire and need?
For many co-dependent persons, these two words are often synonymous. Whatever they want is felt to be justified by making it a need. And, if it is justified as a need, then there is often a felt obligation that someone else should take the responsibility of fulfilling that want. It is rationalized that if one could fulfil one's wants oneself, there would be no need and no benefit in interacting with others. There is a certain negativity of sense of guilt or unfairness if one fails to have one's desires met. Denial may be expressed as the obsessive belief that one's desires will be eventually met by the grace of god, fate, or, some other person.

This is a circular logic of a person who lacks self-esteem, self-direction, self-responsibility. Needfulness attaches possessiveness, obligation, sacrifice, expectation, duty, assumption, and pride to one's communication, motivation, and perception. Like an adult with 2-year-old emotional mentality, if I don't get what I want --- then I must not be good enough, or, I must have done something wrong, or, someone else is not being fair to me, or, someone else is being vengeful and nasty by withholding from me, or, someone will eventually come to my rescue.

If I do enough for others, there is an unwritten and unspoken obligation that they should do for me. If I try hard enough and long enough, I will get what I want. There is an assumption of god-givenness, god-exclusion, or self-as-god. I should get it because I want it.

Wants and needs are distinctly differentiated by healthy persons.
For them, needs are life-serving basics.
They recognize that parents must supply the requirements of need until the infant grows to become a child. From that point, the child develops an increasing independence and freedom by continually upgrading their skills and understanding through experience and mentoring towards equality with the adult.

The goal of the healthy child is to become an adult who is largely self-sufficient in providing for one's needs. To the extent that one has additional resources beyond one's needs, one has something to joyfully share.

Wants, for the healthy person, are extravagances.
Wants are achievements, experiences, and possessions which one has a preference for, has set a goal of doing or obtaining, or, has an interest in future consideration. Notice that "wants" for the healthy person may be many, flexible, low-key, longer-term, and, tentative.

The healthy person does not expect their desires to be met nor hold others responsible for meeting them. There is full recognition that one's wants may be inappropriate or even irrelevant, ill-timed, and, to this end, that they may never be fulfilled --- and that in those realities, that outcome is acceptable. There are no assumptions of desires being met. As such, one expresses thankful reverence and joy for any desires met. The healthful expression is one of hope and optimism which provides a constancy of positive attitude.

QUESTIONS to ask yourself:

1. Are my needs being met satisfactorily?
2. Have I learned to be capable of providing for my needs?
3. Do others hold me responsible for looking after them?
4. Do others express disappointment at my lack of service?
5. How often do I express thankfulness for what I have?

Expectation, or, Invitation?

We are what we expect.
Our expectations are those values and assumptions that construct our attitudes and drive our behaviors. They are expressions of what we have empowered our Reptilian "habit" brain with and "memorized" so that they are now automatic. The most important question here is whether they provide us with positive or negative conditioning. Has our learning been constructive or does it frustrate us and hold us back?

Co-dependent persons expect a lot of others and of themselves.
This does not always mean that there is a positive expectation. They may expect that they or you CANNOT or WILL NOT do something, or even try, in spite of promises or commitments. At the other extreme, promises, contracts and commitments are often rushed into out of the coerciveness of NEED.

There is an immediate conscious expectation that whatever is asked or offered can be and will be done, because, the Reptilian Unconscious wants the result of that interaction to happen NOW and has no concern about the future. It is your SuperEgo social values and Ego personal desires which will have to answer for that.

Perfectionists are one style of co-dependency.
In their compulsion for acceptance by being better than their best to all others and for all others, the perfectionist tends to aggravate, exclude, and drive away those they most want to interact closely with. This fear of failure anxiety leads to failure. And, as perfectionist must always fail, for no one is perfect, they also build a store of shame and guilt on their projected fantasies of what reality SHOULD be rather than what it is.

Asking for too much means never appreciating what one has.
Asking for too much means seldom enjoying what one has for one is always too busy trying to get more or do more. In this way, the perfectionist grows from and extends co-dependency by increasing their weakness of need for acceptance by driving away and denying the acceptance that would otherwise come normally to them.

Expectations distance us from others.
One does not invite others to join in to one's anxieties.
Expectations are personal, and while they can be spread with paranoia and projection, they are most often expressed on an intimate level. One seldom "invites" another to come and swim in the water in which one is drowning. One seldom "invites" others to "share" in the construction of a project or the making of a meal, if one distrusts that others can contribute to a level of satisfaction that is expected.

Expectations are a form of impatience taken beyond the Present and extended into the Future. Built on past disappointments, they are often an imaginative hope of what one "thinks" one would like. They are often little more than fantasy. This is especially so when we do not ask for feedback from others. Feedback provides us with a reality check. Without it, we are projecting what we think the other person wants, will do, or, is capable of.

Invitations are offered by the healthy self-sufficient person.
Such a person is content and accepting of what they have. They request feedback and reflect on it. They keep reality in view. They hold a perspective that they have much to be thankful for as there is much they have that others do not have. They temper their desires with a sense of mutability in that desires will be fulfilled as opportunities arise and those will most often only come from one's involvement and interaction with others.

Healthy persons are fully aware of the part that others may play in such an equation and of the humanness of others. Rather than fume and rail against reality, they work with it. If the desire is important enough, they will make the effort to move towards fulfilling it many times ... knowing that sometimes there will be a step forwards and other times a step backwards. It is not the steps that are important but the effort for without the effort no step would ever be taken.

Invitations are aggressive.
They are offers to give something to someone else.
Giving is an action and actions are aggressive.
Aggressiveness can be either positive or negative depending upon whether the rights of the other person are respected. Invitations are not forced upon others. Those are subtle forms of rape, as when Oral Characters give you something you don't need and perhaps don't want --- and then expect that you will be grateful and reciprocate with even greater enthusiasm than they have expressed.

Invitations come from people who feel "satisfied" and have "extra" to share. The difference between invitations and expectations is the emotional foundation and attitude. The actions and the words expressed may be the same. It is the tone and the follow-up that differ. They are making no sacrifice in doing so and they are expecting nothing in return. They will be more than joyful to receive something shared in return for they have the capacity to give and to take. Persons who can only either give or take always attach expectations to their actions. They have no freedom.

Be aware as to when your freedom is being restricted.
Co-dependent persons always want or expect something. They are often defending against negative expectations or fears and these over-reactions encourage a sense of distrust, distance, and defensiveness in most other people. The healthy person avoids the "victim" for victims need "saviors" rather than facilitators. The healthy person knows that a savior is simply a victim sympathizing with another victim. Sympathy grows addictions by failing to resolve problems. The healthy person avoids addictive building practices.

QUESTIONS to ask yourself:

1. Do I hold others accountable for what they "should" do for me?
2. Do I keep a tally of what others have done for me vs what I have done for them?

3. Do I ask others to do favors for me and remind them of favors I have done for them?

4. Do I feel obligated, when others provide for or give to me?
5. Do I become disappointed in others for not doing what they should?
6. Do I invite others to share with me, with an attitude that I have too much?

More, or, Enough?

Co-dependent persons are often "collectors".
That is, they never have enough. No matter how much money they make, they "need" more. No matter how many trips they have taken, they "need" to take more. No matter how much furniture they have, there is always space for another piece, or, a bigger house needed in which to display it. Here are a few common instances of not being able to differentiate between "enough" and "insufficiency":

• Books that have never been opened;
• Musical instruments which haven't been played in a year;
• A garden full of weeds or allowed to deteriorate;
• A swimming pool not used for a week;
• Possessions in storage and unexamined for 6 months;
• Movies or CDs that are still in their original wrapper;
• Tickets to performances that were missed;
• Borrowed articles not yet returned.

Healthy persons acknowledge with self-awareness that if the above examples of excess, oversupply, and lack of appreciation apply --- it is a sign of waste, greed, distraction, neediness, irresponsibility, and, illness. If they find the above occurring, they take the indications as warnings that they are losing out on the quality of life they could have ... by making poor decisions and having an unclear focus.

To regain health, they take time to reflect, plan, set priorities, refocus, take action, and humbly regain an appreciation for the gift of life they have and their obligation to pursue their life mission.

QUESTIONS to ask yourself:

1. How often do I reply that I have enough when others offer something to me?
2. Do I have a Guideline of what constitutes "Enough" for me?
3. Do I have and stick to specific levels of debt & expense?
4. Do I spontaneously help others without regularity?
5. Do I complain of not having as much as others do?

It is not what you have that makes you important as a human being.
It is what you ARE to yourself and others without material possessions. That is the only part of you which you can never lose nor which can be taken from you.

Structured, or, Dynamic?

Co-dependent persons are often "gophers".
That is, they take on the role of "going for" others and expect others to "go for" them. Chores and work gets carried out according to defined and ritualized

Co-dependent person can also be "bulldozers".
These are the persons who proceed with their plans involving Your future without your physical involvement or verbal feedback. They assume that they know what is best for you and they assume that you must agree with their conclusion, or, you are wrong. They intend to do their best for "You" as long as it is "Their" way.

They want your acceptance, obedience, reverence.
If you "fail" to satisfy their expectations, they may label you as ungrateful, greedy (?), or even vicious (!) ... for you have dared to call their godliness into question. After all, they are just doing everything for Your benefit! With so much energy spent without a request on directions that you may or may not have chosen for yourself, ask the question: What are they expecting in return?

Resistance to aggression which has become coercive is difficult.
It is only made difficult by the closure of the co-dependent person who has chosen to live in their fantasy world of expectations and assumptions and does not care to or want to hear feedback from you --- which might prove them wrong and their excessive efforts to be irrelevant. And irrelevancy leads to constructive shame and an opportunity for adjustment towards something more positive and harmonious.

Shame, for the co-dependent person, all shame, is often indiscriminately perceived. So, toxic shame and healthy shame are both rejected. The result: no shame, no guilt, no respect for others, no appreciation from others, rejection by others, lack of learning, rigidity, predictability.

Responsible assertiveness is one of the few ways of interacting with coerciveness. You can read books and take course which further elaborate this form of communication for you and prepare you for using it. Here, it will briefly be noted as a way of acknowledging the other person and stating one's wants with a hope of modifying unwanted actions and attitudes to ones which are more constructive for both parties. Don't expect the co-dependent person to welcome your assertiveness.

Assertiveness may here be seen as as coercive aggressiveness, a projection of their own coercive aggressiveness. If they had asked for your opinion and feedback first before dumping their unwanted "gifts" on you, you would not have to take the time and make the effort to give them a reality check. If they had asked and affirmed (constructive aggression), you could have stated your feelings, wants, and negotiated an acceptable contribution from them (aggressiveness and sharing).

It is most unfortunate, but with the almost total lack of training and mentoring in North American and many other highly structured societies for assertive communication, a constructive outcome respecting your rights is not encouraged. If such were a communication pattern familiar to BOTH parties, the outcome would more often be positive. If the other person will not listen and will not acknowledge you, and, if they will not share what their feelings, expectations and desires are with you --- you have two persons talking past each other.

If one is not listening, it does not matter what the other person says, it will not be heard. Actions speak louder than words. Physical separation until the other person is capable of showing you the respect you deserve and listening to what YOU want for yourself, and do not want, may be the necessary direction to take. Acting as if it did not happen simply acknowledges to the co-dependent person that whatever was done was acceptable and correct. So, they will repeat it --- with your support!

QUESTIONS to ask yourself:

1. Are you frustrated because you don't have enough time for yourself?
2. Are you often changing your schedule to accommodate others?
3. Is a lot of your life enclosed in routines and duties?
4. Do you become frustrated because others don't do what they "should".
5. Are you accepting of the sameness, stability, and consistency of your life?

Enslavement, or, Health?

You must either be a strong leader or fail.

You will be tested often by those persons with energy blocks which are closest to you --- family, friends, workmates --- to ease up on following Guidance, temporarily ignore it, deny it, and to go against it. Guided solutions often demand fairness, equality, and self-responsibility. Many person who carry energy blocks only know deception, manipulation, dishonesty, denial, and intellectualization as means to reach their ends. There will be pain and disappointment and at times fear and sadness in following Guidance against these external forces. Rest in the assurance that your courage is part of the solution to these ills; not part of the problem.

QUESTIONS to ask yourself:

1. Who expresses disappointment in my choices?

2. Am I being consistent in my request of and acceptance of Spiritual Guidance?

3. Do I consciously make a note of the benefits of my Guided actions?

4. Do I allow others to impress upon me their negativity by becoming depressed from their interaction?

5. Do I find myself holding back because I have come to expect the reactions of the other person?