SUPPORTERS:

Quality counts.

AN EFFECTIVE SUPPORT NETWORK helps individuals cope better with challenges as a group than individuals acting alone with the same level of coping skills. There are many realities to this equation. Most of them you will not like, some of them you will know, and others you will gladly appreciate. Support networks are composed of friends. Those are persons who choose to be in your company part of the time.

FRIENDS ARE NOT INTIMATES
They have the dissociated relationship with you that permits them to walk away at any time for any reason and not return for hours, days, weeks, months, ... even years, and not be held in contempt. That is because you know that you and they have no shared responsibility, no intimate trusting commitment, no growing-together-spirituality bond. It is not that such aspects cannot be part of a friendship ... but never are all three a part.

INTIMACIES THAT GROW FROM FRIENDSHIPS often have a better survival ratio than "spontaneous", or, co-dependent intimate relationships. Intimate relationships can break for a host of reasons. An intimate relationship can become a friendship. This is seldom successful in practice because of the unhappy experiences which have led to the intimate split, and, because of profuse forms of social patterning which tell you that such should not be possible.

A friend in deed, is a friend you need.

A CONSTRUCTIVE SUPPORT NETWORK consists of is individuals who only offer to do what they can do and who do what they volunteer to do. Any other alternative is negative. People who volunteer to assist you or carry out something for you under the self-coercion of their "shoulds" or because they are Energy Blocked to be constant rescuers or dependents are best avoided.

HOW DO FRIENDS HELP YOU COPE ?
Friends in your support network that answer you honestly, directly, assertively and with self-awareness provide you with options, answers, and encouragement. They may also respond to a request from you by saying that they would like to participate but have other priorities, are not skilled enough or influential enough to assist, or that they simply disagree with what you are doing or wish to do.

TRUE FRIENDS ARE NOT AFRAID to compassionately stand for what they believe in and know. They also know that it is all right to give you a hug, handshake or phone call without your responding defensively or intimately. This is more constructive and less disappointing and frustrating than having many persons apparently agree with and support you and then finding that almost nobody follows through. It does not have to be this way. If you are strong enough and responsible enough to have confidence in what you are doing, you will appreciate difficult truths now rather than "I could have told you so" later.

YOUR ATTITUDE is a great decider of how others treat you.
Others are not as inclined to tell you what you would be better off knowing if your behavior and attitude is to abuse them, complain, beg, and embarrass them because they do not agree with you. Friends who respond to your requests or volunteer to assist with something you are doing and they want to share in, or, acknowledge you and share with you --- are valued for their sincere support when they are capable. You correctly develop a trust in them which encourages and rewards you for providing the same in return. Deeds are indicators of who we are, not what we would like to be. It is that shared hold on reality that assists us in remaining healthy.

Help is on the way!

SICKNESS, DEPRESSION, GRIEF and LONELINESS are all emotional states during which our Life System of body-emotion-intellect-spirit is negatively stressed and needs support. Those with such a support network recover faster than those without ... who may never recover. People who are constructive in such a network and who you can use as an example of what you can do, are empathetic and self-aware. That is, they can imagine themselves in your position AND know what actions and words would best raise their spirits and get them active again. This is not a simple set of characteristics.

NEEDY PERSONS find their lives controlled by institutions.
Much of the time highly organized cultures shame needy persons into seclusion --- or shun them with misunderstanding or false modesty. Most people who find themselves experiencing such states also feel confused. This is because they have heard from few others who have passed through such states. They know that they feel terrible but don't know if that is normal or bizarre. Is it a sign of weakness? How should they feel? How should they cope? Will they get through it? Is survival simply going to be an ongoing hell of disappointment? Knowing the options, for yourself and for others --- is a major step forward.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO in the worst of these situations, you know how to respond in less severe ones.
Here are some tips:

• Suggest when, not what you can do: Don't force;
• Communicate: call, send a card, visit;
• Listen -- it helps release the problem;
• Acknowledge: how they feel IS how they feel;
• Appointments: take them, or supervise for them;
• Accompany them: a walk, swim, theater, restaurant;
• Patience and caring: don't always be in a rush;
• Fun: give them flowers, play games, buy odd gifts;
• Fulfil some of their role: repairs, laundry, ...;
• Nutrition: preprepare a meal, pick up groceries, ....

NOW.
Think back to your last instance of one of these situations.
Wouldn't any of the above have made you feel better ... a person who was valued and appreciated.

COPING WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS or DISABILITY.
If you are not part of someone else's support group why should anyone be part of yours. It is not always true, but often we receive what we give. Others have time for us if we have time for them. Others acknowledge and care about us if we acknowledge and care about them ... or at least someone. If you know how or learn how to care for others, you will know what to request and what to do for yourself should your opportunity come. You don't think you will ever be in that situation. I know of NOT ONE hypersensitive person who ever gave a moments thought to considering that they would ever become chronically ill! In chronic illness and health this is almost a truism:

HYPERSENSITIVITY CASES HAVE BEEN EXPLODING in number for the past 15 years in North America. Your potential to be a victim or a survivor is also increasing. Which you become will largely be determined on how seriously you begin taking responsibility for your life and your health. Here are some quotes to provide some more guidance:

Taking Care: A Self-Help Guide for Coping with an Elderly, Chronically Ill, or Disabled Relative,

1986, by Jill Watt and Ann Calder,

International Self-Counsel Press, Ltd., Vancouver, B.C., Canada

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE while you manage both big and little crises combined with health and stamina will sustain you in situations that would otherwise seem totally unbearable. ...

In this regard, we caution you to beware of the "word-fact".
John Kenneth Galbraith coined this expression to describe what happens when people begin to believe in something just because it is talked about positively and often. ...

WHEN EXPECTATIONS ARE NOT MET, a mini-crisis can result.
Your reactions to these crises depend on how often you've had to adjust to other unmet expectations in (your area of activity) ...

REALIZE WHAT CAN BE CHANGED and what cannot be changed.
... If the person has a certain kind of character problem that is interfering, you shouldn't expect that you will be able to change that. in fact, nobody may be able to. On the other hand, it it's a situational problem, then you can do a multitude of different things ... if you take the problem of depression, you often find that people become isolated because of a loss. They experience grief but this is perpetuated because of the consequence of depression, fatigue, not sleeping well, poor appetite and so on. They then have less energy to renew ties, to build new ties and move outside of the depressed position they are in, which causes them to be more isolated; and the more isolated they get, the more depressed they get and they get into a vicious circle.

THIS HAPPENS IN COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PEOPLE, ALSO.
Because there is a problem that has not been effectively solved, people are feeling bad about that problem --- they may even feel hopeless about it. Because they feel that way, they deal with the problem less effectively than they did before and because they deal with it less effectively, they feel more hopeless about it and so on into a downward spiral. ...

find where the point of leverage is (by) ... FIRST --- stepping back from it so that you can't get locked into a hard and fast position on the problem. SECOND --- discarding that feeling of hopelessness. ...

A LONELY PERSON DOES NOT NEED TO BE SO.
You can stop being lonely and loneliness can certainly be prevented. To begin with, make sure you are using the right word --- that you truly mean lonely and not bored, alone, sad, disappointed, afraid of something like criticism/falling/using incorrect grammar, uncomfortable with some people, embarrassed or shy. ... The lonely person is the only one who can overcome the problem.

OTHERS CAN ONLY SHOW a lonely person what is available in the neighborhood or community. The lonely person must then choose to be interested, find out more information, and participate in community events. ... If the lonely person's personality and behavior are not appreciated by others or are such that they interfere with making and keeping friends, only the lonely person can change his or her own personality and behavior. Lonely people must recognize that they are responsible for their own loneliness and that if loneliness is not wanted it can be stopped.

Support, or, Co-dependency?

PROVIDING SUPPORT does not mean having to sympathize with the other person to the point of participating in self-destructive actions with them or of ONLY providing the environment for or assisting them in such actions. This often happens in peer groups and with friends who we feel extraordinarily attracted to. In the peer group situation, the difficult challenge is whether you are strong enough in your own identity to resist others setting standards for you which you know are negative.

SHARED WEAKNESS AND FAILURE IS NOT AN ANSWER.
Taking up ANY addictive habit just to be accepted by a group or a "special" person is a sign of intended failure. If you feel so obsessed with the other person that you would sacrifice your health for them, you are admitting that they are a destructive influence on you. And they can only be that if you are allowing them to do so. That means that YOU have a problem that YOU are responsible for. Don't blame it on them later. Unless YOU are sick with Energy Blocks, YOU have CHOICES.

ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS ARE ENDEMIC IN MODERN SOCIETY
The purpose of advertising is to encourage repeat sales. Advertisers have spent hundreds of billions of dollars over the past 50 years to promote addictive behaviors. Addictive behaviors guarantee product success. The process is simple.

DISTRACT the conscious awareness of the viewer with blatant obvious humor, soothing or involving music, and, attractive graphics.

ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS ARE ALSO PROMOTED by the depressive status of mass economies and mass politics. Others are even encouraged by schools and churches. And, television, fiction, and movies encourage most of us by repetition of example. Consider these:

1. frequent swearing;
2. smoking, any amount;
3. regular use of alcohol;
4. work-to avoid home;
5. sexual infrequency;
6. work-for-recognition;
7. eating to feel good;
8. gambling, betting, begging;
9. daily use of coffee, tea, milk, sugar;
10. commitment to TV soaps and/or serials;
11. constant preoccupation: radio, talk ...;
12. use of narcotics;
13. superstitious and magical use of objects;
14. control by "I have to ..., I must ...";
15. insincerity by private apology;
16. helping others without asking;
17. reverence for human authority.

Laziness and ignorance is a sellout to manipulation.

All of the above contribute to a negative stress load.
Each behavior (spoken or acted out) promises some benefit that it cannot deliver. It is our belief, sometimes because of short-term emotional or physical or social benefits ... that if we just continue, we will eventually win. Win what? We are often trying to forget a loss, a fear, an abandonment, a concern, an abuse by others, an error on our part ... trying to forget by justifying our acceptance, gain, promotion, risk, performance. If we are trading these for a lack of self-awareness, honesty, courage, assertive action --- we are co-dependent, a slave. At the same time we are selling our spiritual integrity for a job, a career, for companionship, for sex, for a sale, to keep our house, for respect.

THE RESULT OF OUR SELL-OUT is that we lose our integrity, trust, and respect ... because we show others that we can be bought. Pity us. Either the world owes us better, or, if the world doesn't care about us why should we care about us? All these approaches place us in denial of the responsibility each of us has to accept the past, learn from the past, participate in the present, and contribute to the future.

THE BOTTOM LINE is that ALL of these factors weaken our physical-emotional-spiritual balance of health. They prepare us for hypersensitivities and chronic illnesses. They make us into losers, long-term. In fact, the more intensely we feel driven to comply with such conditions of friendship, the greater is the likelihood that we are being controlled by a personal Energy Block.

ONCE YOU BEGIN ACCEPTING such "gifts" you run the danger of becoming a slave to the group or person by reason of your shame at being rejected by all those who are not part of the group. You know when you join the group and surrender your morals for their requests or expectations that all those who do not agree with the aims and methods of this group ... are now out-of-bounds for you. Is the risk worth it?

Friendship or Intimacy?

IF A PERSON YOU ARE DATING tells you that "friends are forever, lovers come and go" --- be aware that you are next in line to "come and go". Such a perspective is one of personal failure. It is an attitude and an expectation that they cannot, or are fated not to cope with any truly intimate commitment. It is frequently acquired through an earlier traumatic experience involving the breakup of a desired intimate relationship, or the trauma of seeing the intimate relationship of one's parents, mentor or other significant person explode and dissolve.

IT ISN'T THAT THIS HAS TO BE THE RESPONSE.
It is that they were not prepared for it and had no assistance in coping more constructively. Their current and, tragically, their future experiences, are being monitored and directed by an Energy Block. One part of their brain may want the benefits of an intimate loving relationship; another part is reacting to ultimately sabotage any chance of such a reality. Do you really need to be part of someone else's failure? You have only one constructive alternative: IF they are aware that this is a pattern of behavior with them, recommend Balancing Therapy to them.

ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR is allowing a friend to continue to live as a robot when they could be free. Simply breaking off the friendship or remaining aloof tells them that there is something wrong ... with other people. Telling them that you know what is wrong with them and have the answer, when they haven't asked ... is trying to take responsibility for them and run their lives. At best they will ignore you. At worst, they will chalk up your suggestion as an option to definitely AVOID in the future.

SO, IF YOU HAVE HEARD THE PHRASE, heard from the person that this is a pattern for them, and, are not willing to foolishly and heroically become their slave in the hope of converting them ... simply reflect back to them that you feel that they have a problem that you do not want to be part of, and, IF they are interested, you know of an approach which you have heard was successful in reversing this pattern of failure. Mention to them that if they are interested, they can ask you, and you will tell them more about it. Be prepared. Some people will never ask. They are not ready yet. They may never be ready. You have to be willing to walk away once you have offered to direct them to help.

TRYING TO PROTECT AND RESCUE THEM is simply falling into an ego-directed response which will only make them weaker and more dependent. IF they express an interest, direct them to the Higher Self System of Self Balancing webpage:
http://www.web.net/~empower/balance.html,
and leave it at that.

IF AND WHEN THEY ARE READY, they will follow through with the therapy, gain their freedom and become potentially someone constructive to date. Of course, leading by example is always another possibility. Getting Balanced yourself will provide you with new insights and strengths which are usually seen by others as great. And many people like to follow the example of others who are enthusiastic about anything. So. Resist trying to make a good friendship into a relationship loss.

RELATIONSHIPS:

IF YOU WANT TO INCLUDE OTHERS IN YOUR LIFE
and do so in a constructive co-enhancement dynamic manner, the following are basic requirements:

1. Acknowledgement of each other (listening, empathy, feedback);
2. Respect for each other (responsible assertiveness);
3. Trust, Honesty and Tact (choose to be winners);
4. Self-Sufficiency (equals sharing ... NOT co-dependency);
5. Lifestyle (doing all one can to sustain one's health;
6. Balanced (each seeks to be the best they can be);
7. Harmony (decisions by Higher Selves, not competition).

THERE ARE SEVEN LEVELS OF SURVIVAL:

1. Desperate
2. Competitive
3. Joint Aggression
4. Dependent, enslaved
5. Co-dependent
6. Independent
7. Bliss

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, you will get what others are prepared to give you, or leave for you ... usually low on the list of survival options.